Ever-Elusive Relaxation

A couple of years ago, a co-worker called me and asked me a very simple question about signage for an event. I think it was something silly, like "how far from the edge of the sign do you want the lettering?" And you know what? I had an answer. Because I had already thought about precisely how far from the edge I wanted the lettering. Her reply? "I figured you'd know just how you wanted it, that's why I asked."

The truth of the matter is that sometimes I worry about things that don't matter at all. I stress over them. In my endless quest for perfection I have a hard time just letting things go. I'll labor endlessly over finding just the right word or just the right font or just the right photo. I can't just let it go.

Some days, I think this quality helps me. Other days, I realize how much it hurts.

I read a fantastic book recently, Eat, Pray, Love--and let's just say that there were parts that were painful for me. When the author has to come to grips with her own control issues, I had to spend some time facing mine. One of the people she met on her journey made her realize that the world wouldn't fall apart if she checked out and relaxed for a couple of days. That really got me to thinking.

Relaxing isn't something I do very well. I get too caught up in work and deadlines and goals--and I forget to relax. Seriously. I have a LOT going on right now. So I wrote out a schedule the other day--to try and make sure I keep on track. Pretty much every waking hour is scheduled right now. And I honestly laughed at myself because on most days, my list says something like "5:15-5:45--relax". I'm pretty sure there is something WAY WRONG when I have to have "relaxing" on my list!

And in thinking about this, you know who I've decided I really envy? Someone I like to call "Girl in Catalog." I just got a catalog in the mail today from one of my favorite designers, and here is what I saw:

Girl sailing

Girl reading peacefully on the beach

Girl looking into the distance, not a care in the world

Girl smelling the flowers

Girl walking through a farmers market, carrying a straw bag

Girl throwing her head back in laughter

For Girl in Catalog, there is no worry. No deadlines. No bills to pay. No over-analyzing of male behavior. No thinking about exercising. No house to clean. No lawn to mow. Just relaxation. And I'm pretty sure she didn't have to pencil it in on her "to do" list!

And I realize that they aren't real. They're getting paid (probably large sums) to look happy, and carefree. But you know what? Every now and then, I think we could all stand to have a day where we pretend to be Girl in Catalog. I know I could. Maybe I'll even find the time...in a few weeks. :)

The song of the day--Sheryl Crow's I Wanna Soak Up the Sun. Because when I finally find time to schedule my day to be Girl in Catalog, I hope it's a sunny one.

One of those days...

Okay, every now and then I have one of those days/weeks that makes me want to stick my head in the sand or hide under the bed or some such thing.

And although there wasn't really anything that I can specifically point out as to why this was one of those days, I just have that feeling.

The Pollyanna/Scarlett in me says that tomorrow is another day and it will be bright and shiny and new.

However, right now I say that I deserve a cheeseburger, fries and a Dr. Pepper. And maybe some ice cream to top it off. Except that I don't want to get in my car to go get any of those things, so instead, it is scrambled eggs and cheese for me tonight.

I'm rambling, I know.

So here is a list of things I've been pondering lately. They don't really go together though. So really, there is no theme to this blog post...

1. Odd fears of mine:

I have several, but will just highlight a couple. I read a book by Dean Koontz once where the lead character's girlfriend was in a nursing home because she got botulism from a can of soup. Every time I open a can of soup now, I have a tiny moment where I wonder if I should really risk it.

I'm also always afraid someone will put poison in my dog's water dish outside. Not sure why anyone would do this, but I usually carry the dish inside with me when the dogs aren't outside. Again, this particular fear is stemmed from a book I read a couple of years ago.

2. Fantastic things I've read lately:

Love Walked In and Belong to Me. They are by Marisa de los Santos and make me almost ashamed to know I'll have a book in the same store as them. They are so beautifully written. Someday I want to write something that will make someone feel the way I did when I read them.

3. Days off:

I love my job. I never thought I would have a job that love as much as I do this one. I'm happy to go every morning and most days I work late and don't even mind. But I desperately needed last Friday off. I can't explain to you how happy I was on Thursday night knowing a long weekend stretched before me. It was a nice weekend, full of friends and family and I needed it.

4. The gym:

Okay, I'm trying really hard to make it to the gym several times a week. I want to get in shape. (side note for people who grew up in the 80's--do you remember "get in shape girl"? I can still hear the commercial) But I have to say that gym behavior is amusing to me. I do not understand why people try to talk to other people while they are working out. When someone is all sweaty and trying to work it on the elliptical machine, does it really seem like the appropriate time for conversation? I think not. And the people who read magazines while they work out--really? How do they keep their place? Last Saturday, there was a guy on an elliptical reading a tiny paperback. I don't get it. Are their lives so full that they must multi-task reading and working out? I'm busy, but not THAT busy.

5. Magazines:

I love magazines. Until I open them. I realized the other day that the magazines I get pretty much make me feel bad about myself. Martha Stewart, I can never live up to you. Yet the cover of your magazine is so pretty I subscribe anyway. Fitness, you make me feel like a blob even though I go to the gym (see above for proof). Must you only use models who are already perfect?

Okay. I will spare you the rest of my random thoughts. The song of the day is from the Zac Brown Band. It doesn't have anything at all to do with this blog post. But the song makes me happy, and for today, that is reason enough to include it.

Where's Lloyd Dobler when you need him?

Get ready for some rambling.

First of all, I just finished watching Say Anything for the millionth time this week. Love me some Lloyd Dobler. More about that later.

Tonight I found Ciao Bella gelato at Fresh Market. Am trying the hazelnut kind right now. (nocciola in Italian, just FYI) It's pretty good. Although the best gelato is one eaten while sitting on the steps of the Duomo in Florence, or at least standing on a bridge in Venice, I suppose it will have to do for the kind to be eaten in my kitchen in Memphis. At least I didn't have to get on a plane for it. (Incidentally, I think the main thing that will get me back on an airplane headed overseas is the potential for lots of gelato)

Can I just pause now to say that this has been a long, crazy week that has induced a good bit of left eye twitching, which is what happens to me when I get stressed? That's right. It seems that my eye now twitches when I'm really stressed out. Thankfully, you can't actually see it happening. But I can feel it. I met with my accountant the other day, and was sure he thought I was winking at him. But my friends at work promise me that they can't see it twitch. So here's hoping Mr. Accountant didn't think I was hitting on him. (although if it would cut down on my taxes...KIDDING)

Now, back to Lloyd. Or rather, the anti-Lloyd, who has turned out to be none other than single dad bachelor Jason Mesnick. I admit that I was sucked in to the show this season because Jason seemed like such a likable, nice guy. But slowly over the season, I began to have my doubts. When he let Jillian go, labeling her as "too much of a best friend" or some such nonsense, I knew he was just another dumb guy. (I mean, don't most people strive to fall in love with their best friend? Isn't that really a best-case scenario? But I digress.) So Jason chose Melissa. Proposed to her, even. And sent Molly with her "star-gazin' amazin'" eyes packing. (those were his words, not mine) But it seems that he wasn't through with ol' Mol. In fact, despite his engagement to Mel, he continued to have contact with the runner up. And finally broke up with Melissa. On National TV. Granted it was a reality show. But still. And 5 minutes later, rekindled with Molly, who for some Crazy (with a capital c) reason, took him back. And then they made out. On National TV.

So now, there is a new word floating around. "Mesnicked" Let me use it for you in a sentence.

"I thought things were going well, but then he totally Mesnicked me and told me he's found someone else."

See? Reality TV is good for something. Expanding our vocabulary.

Song of the day--In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel--straight off of the Say Anything soundtrack. (which I own, by the way, on cassette tape)

Like Sands Through the Hourglass...

I mentioned in my last blog post that 33 had always been my "scary" birthday. It's always sort of loomed out there for me. Not really sure why. Perhaps it's because I remember my parents at that age. I have no recollection of either of them turning 30, but I distinctly remember when they were 33. It was 1987 and I was 11. And (I thought) they were grown ups.

And now I'm apparently a grown up as well. At least I suppose that's what people think! Although most of the time I don't feel that way. I do, in fact, still feel 25...most of the time. (thanks to George Strait for that sentiment!)

But if I could go back and actually be a twentysomething again I wouldn't. Sure, there were some good moments...

• I'd love to be back at FHU in the dorm with my friends for a couple of days, prank calling the PKA guys, skipping class and sitting out in the commons, and having Tea Society meetings at Dawn's. Maybe one more Spring Break trip to Florida with the girls and of course I'd love the chance to be in Makin' Music one more time around.
• I'd probably take another week of backpacking through Europe with Kelly, fearlessly exploring country after country, going to see U2 and REM in concert again, and maybe having a large hazelnut gelato on the Duomo steps.
• I'd love to have a couple of days in the apartment in Henderson on Gailbraith Street where I lived with Vickie, Nicole, Mandy, Julie and Bethany. (only Vickie and I were there the entire time, the rest rotated). It was in this apartment, right after college graduation when I coined the (now famous in some circles) phrase "These are the worst times of our lives," which must be said very dramatically with your hand placed to your forehead just so.
• I'd like a couple of days in the house in Nashville on Linden Street with Katherine and all of our crazy neighbors, grabbing endless cups of coffee at Fido and flirting shamelessly with the musicians who worked there.
• I might take a couple of days back at Shiloh as a ranger. That job was such a dream come true for me and my weird Civil-War-buff-since-4th-grade-self. There's nothing quite like firing a Civil War musket...
• I wouldn't mind a couple of days in Mobile to visit with everyone at the Chamber and enjoy a long lunch out on the deck at Ed's. And maybe a long weekend at Gulf Shores and, of course, a Mardi Gras parade.

But looking back, I wouldn't want to actually permanently be back in any of those times or places. I loved those years. I'm so blessed to have had the experiences and the friendships that grew along the way. And all of those combined experiences have made me who I am today, and brought me to where I am today.

If you've caught on that this blog post is meant to convince me to embrace 33 rather than dread it, you're right! So happy birthday to me. My wise friend Dawn tells me that the 40's are better than the 30's which were better than the 20's. She hasn't steered me wrong yet, so I'm going to believe her. And if the best is yet to come, there must be some great times ahead! And that thought alone makes turning another year older worth it.

Song of the day is Seasons of Love from Rent. Love it. 525,600 minutes--that's all the time I get to be 33, so I'd better enjoy it!

32 Flavors

My birthday is right around the corner. Which wouldn't normally be a big, blogworthy deal.

However, this one has always been my "scary" birthday. Not quite sure why. I did okay turning 30. No panic. But the thought of 33 has always scared me. I googled it and found out I'm not alone with the whole 33 fear! Which made me feel a little better. I always like to have other people validate my neurosis.

So I decided to make a few lists. (If you know me, this is no surprise because I make lists all the time...)

My list for today is sort of a take off on what I've seen going around Facebook lately. So here are 32 random facts about me, one for each year I've lived!

THESE ARE MY CONFESSIONS...

1. I miss playing sports. I wish I were still on a softball, volleyball or basketball team.

2. I once hitched a ride in Italy with a guy on a Vespa.

3. Cooking helps me relax. Weird, I know. But I can spend hours in my kitchen, trying new recipes. Someday I hope to have a huge, state-of-the art kitchen.

4. When I started writing Love is a Battlefield, I didn't think it would ever really get published. When I saw the book cover for the first time last week, I screamed. Loudly.

5. Sometimes I still check under my bed for monsters.

6. I talk to my dogs like they are people. Sometimes we argue.

7. Once in the jungle, in the Darien region of Panama, while on a medical mission trip, I scrubbed little kids heads to get rid of their lice. It was a hard job, and we made up songs as we worked. We sang "You've got lice, babe" and "Lice, lice, baby". That was when I learned that sometimes humor is the only way to get through certain situations.

8. I often pray while I'm driving. So if you ever pass me in my car and it seems like I'm talking to myself, I'm really talking to God.

9. I'm confused as to how I was able to fearlessly jump off of a mountain in Switzerland with just a plastic parachute strapped to me, yet flying in a plane scares me every time.

10. I am a control freak and a perfectionist. Sometimes I have to make myself just let things go.

11. I was a cheerleader in high school and I can still wear my uniform from my senior year. Guess what my favorite Halloween costume is?

12. I am such a procrastinator that I wrote my speech for high school graduation while I sat on the football field in my cap and gown, waiting on my name to be called.

13. I have three recurring dreams: My teeth crumble in my mouth. I get to the airport to go to Europe, only to find out that my passport has expired. It is the day of a big event (one that I've planned in the past) and I get to the event only to find out that I've not started planning it yet.

14. Sometimes I think I belong in a different era. Maybe the 50's.

15. I love politics and have considered running for office someday. Not anything major, but perhaps local government.

16. I love SEC football. Any match up, but especially the big rivalry games. Saturdays in the fall, you will find me watching football.

17. I love to fish. I can even bait my own hook. But I don't ever keep any of the fish I catch because I can't bear to eat something I've looked in the eye.

18. I don't really have any big regrets. All the choices I've made in my life have brought me to where I am now. And I think I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. So if I had it to do over, I wouldn't make any major changes.

19. I'm thankful I lived in Mobile. Not only did I gain a lot of experience that has helped my career, but I also met some great friends.

20. I love libraries and can spend hours in them.

21. I think letter-writing is a lost art. If I could find a man who would write me hand-written letters, I think I'd marry him.

22. When I was 11, I had a crush on Kirk Cameron.

23. When I was 17, I had a crush on Billy Ray Cyrus. In fact, I was in the VH1 special One on One with Billy Ray that year. Oh yes, I am a star!

24. Today, I have a little crush on Tim Tebow, despite the fact that he was born in 1987 and I remember 1987.

25. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. And I don't have a poker face. So people usually know how I feel about things. Sometimes this can be a problem.

26. I love the fleur-de-lis. It is the symbol of the city of Florence, Italy, and the summer I lived there, I fell in love with the design.

27. I think Anne Taintor is hilarious.

28. I also love StoryPeople. Sometimes I find one that seems like it was written just for me.

29. I hate it when people make fun of other people for things they can't help.

30. I tend to be really tenderhearted, and I think this will come as a surprise to many. Among many other things, I get teary-eyed at the end of reality shows, commercials about shelter dogs, and every time I hear pomp and circumstance.

31. I love my job. I think what we do is important. In fact, if I were in the Miss America pageant, my platform would be organ donation. But, alas, I am too old to be Miss America.

32. I think I've finally stopped running from who I am. I'm embracing my quirks, my nerdiness, my introversion and my interests. I don't even try to pretend anymore. Finally, finally, at nearly 33, I'm comfortable in my own skin.

Fittingly, the Song of the Day is 32 Flavors. This version is by Alana Davis.

All New and Fresh and Shiny...

Welcome to 2009!

The beginning of a new year is always daunting to me. So many things I want to do, so many things I want to reflect on. . . where to start?

First:

2008 was a good year because...

job i love
book contract
old friends
new friends
new city
and the list could go on

But rather than bore you with a highlight reel of my 2008 I will instead tell you what I hope for 2009.

Some are sort of resolution-like, others are just plans.

1. Finish book #1 (okay, this is sort of unfair since it is almost finished and is due on Monday--but it will feel good to check it off the list)

2. Finish books #2 and #3 (whew! I am finding that writing is an emotional experience. Never really realized that until recently. So this means I am likely to be an emotional basket case for much of 2009...haha!)

3. I have a HUGE list of books I want to read. I have a confession. I've never read Jane Austen. Not a single page of anything she wrote. So at the top of my list, once I've turned in my book on Monday, is to read Jane Austen.

4. I'm going to get serious about becoming a homeowner. Yep. It's about that time. I'm nearly a grown-up, after all.

5. I want to run in 2 5Ks this year. I completed one in 2008--so I'd like to double that in 2009.

6. I want to have less stuff in 2009. I'm due for a big old yard sale. And then...the stuff that goes away won't be replaced. This includes shoes, jeans and dresses. I seem to have a problem with those 3 items. I buy them in bulk.

7. Travel. It has been eons since I've been on vacation. So 2009 is the year of the trip. Plane, train, or automobile--I don't care. Have baggage, will travel.

8. In 2009, I will get out of my comfort zone a little more. Try some new things. Meet some new people. Really, I will.

9. I will cook more. Hopefully while wearing vintage aprons (which are what I want for my upcoming birthday). And when I cook, I will invite other people over to enjoy it. (see #8)

10. Finally, but also most importantly, I will be a better student of God's word in 2009. My faith needs sharpening and there is no better time to start than today.

Okay, there are some of mine. How about you? Anything in particular you hope to do in 2009?

And because I simply couldn't resist, the song of the day is a beautiful version of Auld Lang Syne.

Happy New Year!

This Christmas...

All I want for Christmas is...

1. Words. The right ones. Both for my manuscript and my everyday life.

2. Peace. On earth, in my life, etc. Just that general Peaceful Easy Feeling that I hear so much about.

3. Contentment. This is somewhat elusive in my world. Just when I'm content, something happens to make me discontent. :) I just might have a special gift for making things harder than they need to be.

4. And along those lines...Simplicity. Although on second thought, maybe not so much. I say I want things simple, but seem to thrive best on Complicated.

5. My family. Games, food, laughter. Funny how now that I'm "all grown up" Christmas with my family becomes less about gifts and more about time.

6. My friends. Oh how blessed I am. I stood in the kitchen tonight and gazed at my fridge, which is adorned with Christmas photo cards from them. I'm a lucky girl for sure.

7. Time. It goes too fast for my liking. I went to bed and it was January and now all of the sudden, we're nearing the end of December. What happened? I look back and am astounded at how quickly the year went. Note to self: Live in the moment.

8. Boldness. I need a little bit of bold for Christmas this year. No more doormat. But not so assertive as to make me brazen or harsh.

9. Spontaneity. I need some of this too. Just a tad. To keep me out of a rut.

10. Organization. This should be on everyones Christmas list this year. I think with a little more organization, I'd get more of #7. Which would give me more #5, #6, and #9.

Okay, that's about it. You think Santa can come through for me?

The song of the day is Mistletoe by Colbie Caillat.